Chapter 1: Trauma
by CrazyWiking
Summary: Ever since Brazil and the fiasco there, things have been different. If asked to explain how or why, I don't think any of us guys could tell you. The attack and near rape of Tarja on stage and the events that followed with her manager and at the time fE
1. Chapter 1

Ever since Brazil and the fiasco there, things have been different. If asked to explain how or why, I don't think any of us guys could tell you. The attack and near rape of Tarja on stage and the events that followed with her manager and (at the time) fiance, Marcello Cabuli may have been the start of the problems.

We were in the middle of the instrumental break in Fantasmic when a fan jumped on stage and pinned her to the ground. Security was on him in an instant and though he fought them away, he was manhandled off stage and that was the last that we saw of him. Tarja pulled herself together but for the rest of the concert if one of us got too close to her she would flinch away involuntarily. We were all incredibly proud of her for continuing to preform so well.

It was after the encore and the last bows that she finally cracked. I remember setting my bass down backstage and then being nearly knocked over by her pale form as she hurried past me, terror written on every feature. That was when the lights started flickering and I thought I saw the curtain near me move without a breeze. At that point I ignored it thinking that the strobe light that had been on the entire last half of the concert and the spazzing power now was to blame for my seeing things oddly.

I followed her to her dressing room door and saw that Marcello was already there, talking to her while she sat hunched in a chair, eyes wide and shining with tears. That's when I remembered them announcing their engagement and feeling the mingled anger, jealousy and relief. Relief that I wouldn't have to choose between her and my wife at any point. The jealousy was from the off and on relationship that we had been having. I was her rebound and I knew it, but that hadn't stopped me from developing feelings for her. When her legitimate relationships fell apart, she would come running back to me, trusting that I would help her pick up the pieces of her heart. I've never known, never been able to get up enough courage to ask her if we were just friends with benefits or if she felt for me as well. I was too afraid of what her answer would be.

"Mr. Hietala?" His Argentinian accent made my name sound oddly twisted, "Do you need something?"

I came out of my thoughts to find them watching me curiously. I realized that I was hovering in the doorway. Shaking my head, both to clear it and to signify 'no', I forced myself to speak past the lump in my throat, " Just wanted to ask how you were holding up and if I could do anything to help." My voice came out slightly choked and she looked at me closely.

"Marko, what is it? I'll be fine, don't worry." She pushed Marcello aside gently and came over to slide her arms around my neck and hug me. It started out stiff, her mind still trying to assimilate what had just happened to her, but she gradually relaxed and laid her head on my shoulder. "It's not your job to worry about me, you know?" It was muffled into my hair.

I pulled her closer to my body with a sigh, "Old habits die hard..." I hoped she didn't get the reference to Wish I Had An Angel. "You're amazing, you know that? I came here to help you and now you're helping me."

I looked up briefly, and saw that Marcello was watching us, an odd emotion in his eyes that slowly turned to jealousy as he met my gaze. I merely held his eyes for a moment, before looking back down at her and running my fingers through her long, black hair. It was moments like these that were all I was going to have of her again.

"Tarja." His voice broke the mood like a knife. She pulled back, something like regret in her eyes as they lingered on mine.

"Remember, don't worry." She turned to her fiance after that, and I knew that I was dismissed. With a heavy sigh, I turned and went to find the other guys.

They were already partying and I knew that there had been an unspoken agreement when they had realized that I wasn't there that I could handle Tarja. It was both a frustrating and warming feeling that they trusted me with something like that.

"Hey, you're back. How is our songbird?" It took me a second to realize that he was talking about Tarja, not me. I was the one with the wings, after all. Then I remembered that they didn't know. Jukka was drunk to be calling her that.

I grabbed the half-empty bottle of Finlandia that I'd brought off stage with me and took a swig, knowing that I would need it badly. "She seems to be handling it better than me at any rate."

Tuomas came over and took the bottle from me, taking a long drink from it, "She doesn't need you to worry about her anymore. She's got Marcello for that." He looked slightly shocked when I snatched the liquor back from him, glaring at him, and pushed past him roughly making him stumble. "What's your problem?!" He rubbed his shoulder where I'd collided with him.

"Don't talk to me about that." I snapped it at him, throwing myself onto the couch with a growl, wishing for once that I could just get the hell out of there and fly off to somewhere that I could think in peace.

He sat down next to me warily as though expecting me to lash out at him, "I thought you didn't have a problem with him? You're the only one who seems to get along with him."

"I don't have a problem with him, its them that bothers me." I looked at the label on the bottle in my hand, not really seeing it.

"Jesus, tell me you're not saying what I think you are," Emppu looked like he was about to hyperventilate. "You're married, for God's sake!"

"Tell me, Emppu. How many times can you be someones rebound man before you find that you've fallen in love with them? And the reality of it only hits you after they're engaged..." I sighed and looked morosely at the clear liquid inside the bottle for a moment before taking another long drink of it. It burned going down and I could feel the edges of my mind going numb.

The next time we had a concert, Marcello was hovering over her every second that he could. I understood his urge to, but when he started to dictate how she would do things to stay safe, he was going to far. I pointed this out to him and got a fist to the jaw, earning a scream from Tarja.

"What the hell was that for? He's right you know! They guys can keep me relatively safe on stage."

"Yeah," He spun on her, "Like last time? Where were they when that maniac jumped up and tried to take advantage of you?" He was advancing on her, his hand raised as though to slap her. I grabbed his arm and lost my footing as he whipped around and slammed me into the wall. His hand on the collar of my t-shirt, threatening to tighten and cut off my breathing.

He leaned in close to me, "Stay out of this, old man."His knee came up to press between my legs against the wall and I knew that if I pissed him off anymore that I was gonna end up with bruised testicles. Thankfully, the door opened then and Ewo came in with the guys.

"What the hell is going on here?!" Ewo's deep voice was harsh with anger and surprise.

"We were just clearing a few things up," he twisted his hand, choking me.

Jukka tried to pull him off of me and after a few unsuccessful attempts, managed to do so, handing him off to Ewo who took him out of the room. I steadied myself against the wall for a second as I let oxygen get back to my brain so I didn't pass out. I felt a gentle hand on my arm and then felt the soft touch of her fingers on my slightly throbbing jaw.

"I'm sorry. I think he's just worried for me. Will you be OK?" Her voice sounded as though she was trying not to cry.

"I'll be fine." I couldn't help but close my eyes and lean into the caress when she stroked my cheek.

"Tarja, Marko, we need to get ready to go on now." Tuomas sounded grave as he spoke from the door. "Are you OK?"

I stepped away from her and once again a saw that strange regret in her eyes "Yeah, I'm good. Let's do it." She went out the door before me and as I passed Tuomas he caught my arm.

"Don't let Marcello see what I saw two seconds ago. He wont hold back the knee then." He whispered it into my ear so the woman who was walking away from us wouldn't hear.

Sighing, I looked at him directly, "I don't know if I can do that. I'll try, certainly"

* * *

I was in my hotel room that night when I heard it the first time. Her voice, in my head. _Marko... he's hurting me... Marko, please help me... don't let him hurt me. I know you would never let anything hurt me....... MARKO!!!!!......._

I dropped the glass of water that I was holding and it shattered, cutting my arm and making drops of blood fall onto the shards. Terrified for her safety, I called her cell phone.

To my relief and confusion, she picked up on the second ring and she sounded like she'd been asleep. "Marko? Why are you calling at one in the morning?"

"I had the sudden feeling that you were in danger, must be going senile in my old age." It was such a relief to hear her voice through the phone, to know that she was fine. We talked for a few more minutes before I realized that my arm was still bleeding and that it was ungodly early to wake someone up.

"Hey, I should probably let you get some sleep. I've got shattered glass all over my floor and arm. I need some myself. I'll see you at breakfast, OK?"

"Sure. G'nite, Marko." She hung up and I slumped down to sit on the bed. I watched fascinated as the red trails on my arm shone slightly in the moonlight and then got up slowly to wash them off. The soap and water stung and I felt my phantom wings twitch in response. I had to look in the mirror to make sure that the weren't there. That's when I realized that there was nothing stopping me from allowing myself to stretch in this room alone.

I stripped off my shirt and closed my eyes as I let down my barrier against my mutant genes and felt my wings flex against my back. With a grin, I opened my eyes and let my wings spread out completely, the tips brushing the wall on either side of me. Well the room's dimensions include twenty feet as the width, I thought to myself with a soft laugh. I caught myself walking toward the windows and stopped. No, there will be no flying for you tonight, Angel. Shaking my head, I suppressed the X-Gene again and collapsed onto the bed in only my jeans, exhausted. That was how I woke up the next morning.


	2. Chapter 2

I lay there, just staring at the ceiling and wondering about the events of the night before. As I thought over the oddity of it all, I began to remember the way the power had inexplicably flickered for a few minutes and then showed no sign of a problem at the previous show. The night had been clear and windless.

Windless.... That got me thinking even harder when I thought of the way that the curtain had fluttered in a nonexistent breeze. All of this had happened while Tarja was losing control of her emotions. I began to wonder if it had been a coincidence or if maybe she was a mutant like I was. I rolled onto my side to sit up and hissed as pain seared through my arm.

Looking down, I saw the deep cuts that the shattered glass had left had barely healed over and looked suspiciously like I had inflicted them myself. Well, long-sleeves today. I wondered what would happen if any of the others saw them. They would probably assume that I was loosing it after I had inadvertently revealed to them my feelings for her. Who knows, maybe I was. After hearing her voice in my head, I was slightly worried about my sanity as well.

I managed to get up with out interruption this time, and after showering, stretching my wings briefly before taking them out of existence again, and getting dressed, I made my way down to the lobby where we had planned to meet. I wasn't the first present. Tuomas was there already, looking like he had been run over by a cement truck. I could sympathize, all of us guys were going to be hung over.

"Hey, you alive, man?" I caught his arm as he jerked, apparently waking up from a daze at the sound of my voice.

He grinned sheepishly, "It depends on your definition of 'alive'. I'm up and moving... sorta.... Aren't you gonna be warm in that jacket." I sighed, it was the only thing that I had that covered my lower arms and I was now forced to wear a leather jacket on a eighty degree day. "Yeah, probably. I just felt like wearing it, that's all." I hoped my expression was neutral because I was a really shitty liar. It truly was a miracle that we didn't have a gig today because I wasn't sure that I would be able to stand wearing this jacket on stage under all of those lights. Actually, while I was worrying about things like that, could I even play? That thought freaked me out enough that I completely missed the arrival of Jukka and his greeting to me.

A hand waved in front of my eyes, "Marko.... hey, wake up."

"Sorry, I was thinking." I made a decision that I realized could get me downhill quite fast. "I just realized that my own clumsiness may have jeopardized my playing."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Tuomas grabbed my arm and jerked me around to face him. "We're in the middle of a tour and you might not be able to play?! What?" This last was said when he saw the pain reflected on my face. He'd grabbed my arm alright, the one that was sliced to ribbons. "What did you do to yourself?" He now looked incredibly menacing.

"I didn't do it on purpose. I said clumsiness remember. I squeezed the glass I was holding last night too hard and it shattered all over my arm. The cuts were pretty deep." Inside I was praying that they would believe me. The look in his eyes dashed that hope quite fast.

He unzipped my jacket and walked around me as he pulled it off. I didn't try to stop him, there was no point. Jukka gasped as he saw my arm. He was about to say something but Tuomas got there first, "Why did you do this?"

I closed my eyes, trying to keep myself from showing my frustration that they didn't believe me. "I told you, I didn't. The glass did. Ask Tarja, I called her at around one because I'd freaked out and started worrying about her." I opened my eyes again. "Can I have my jacket back now? I kinda don't want media publicity to blow my inability to hold onto a water glass out of proportion and decide that I'm mentally unstable or something like that."

"Would they be right?" Jukka added this softly as a pair of women walked past, conversing loudly in Spanish.

"I'm a composer, of course I'm not completely right in the head! I'm not into self-mutilation though." I shook my head, snatching my coat back from the keyboarder and shrugging it on again. "Where the hell is Emppu? I want to eat."

"Right here. What did I miss that made these two look like such sour pusses?" The man himself came out of the elevator behind us. He alone looked like he hadn't been out drinking to all hours of the night. Looking at him, I felt old for a moment. I shook it off quickly, knowing what was coming.

"We'll tell you over breakfast." -  
I had been right. They didn't believe me. For the rest of the day I could feel their eyes on me as though waiting for me to.... I don't even know what they were waiting for but it was pissing me off. I sat in the back of the tour bus as we plowed our way through the traffic on the highway and killed my ears. I basically had my DS and my mp3 player for company. At one point, Jukka came back to talk to me but his eyes kept on landing on my right arm where the leather hid the marks that had become the bane of my existence. I could only hope that when we stopped for lunch that they would talk to Tarja and that I would be vindicated.

That relief came sooner than I thought. At around 10:30, I was broken from my video game and music haven by Tuomas unplugging my headphones. I glared up at his looming figure, "What, come to accuse me some more. Frankly, I'm tired of it."

He sat down next to me, "I called Tarja, she asked it if you were alright. You had broken a glass just before you called her. I'm sorry, I overreacted."

"So I can stop being treated like a mental patient now? It's about time." I turned of my game and crossed my arms defensively over my chest.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair, " Yeah, sorry about that. The only thing I can say is that we're all tired and stressed out. " He seemed to look slightly less guilty when I managed a thin smile.

"Nothing good happens when you can't think straight anyway. Did you tell the others that I haven't turned suicidal?"

"That was the first thing that I did. Emppu was asleep, so I didn't get to him yet. Jukka knows." Tuomas looked at my arm pointedly, "Can I see it? I need to know whether we'll have to cancel the next gig or not. You know how Ewo can get with tight deadlines."

I managed to get the jacket off with some difficulty. The cuts had reopened with the natural movements of life and had gummed themselves to the lining. My eyes watered with the pain when I had to peel of the fabric that had bonded to the new layer of scabs. I was almost afraid to show him, even though he had already seen because of the effect that they could have on the tour. I didn't know if I could play or how long they would take to heal.

When I held out my arm for him to look at, I watched his expression go carefully blank and cursed my self-imposed limits. It would be so easy to open the solid barriers that I had erected inside of my mind and to instantly know what it was that he was thinking. To just know what was going on behind that inscrutable mask was such a burning desire that I actually began to lower my mental shields before snapping them up hastily. No, stop it now. You are a freak of nature and this is an abnormal quirk that is not to be used. I stopped myself once again, Wrong. It isn't abnormal, just inhuman. But that's fine because I'm not human.  
A gentle touch along the ragged edge of one of the gashes made me shiver and take a deep, hissing breath between my teeth. He looked up at me, "Sorry, I...." His eyes caught mine and I thought I felt a mental 'brush' against my walls. A moment later it was gone as though it had never been and he was turning his gaze to Emppu as the smaller man came over to us.

The guitarist's eyes went wide as he saw the damage to my arm. I don't think I'd ever seen him look so serious. It looked quite a bit worse than it felt, I realized. While it was throbbing heavily, there was no real pain unless I aggravated the scabbing process. I flexed my fingers and wrist, watching how the tendons pulled at my muscles under the skin. It hurt, yes, but not as much as I had feared.

"I think I'll be fine. Just don't grab me again, OK?" I caught the keyboarder's eyes again and we shared a wry grin.

"Why?"

It took me a second to realize that Emppu was asking about the cuts not about what I'd just said to Tuomas. I looked up at him for a moment, "I didn't do it on purpose. Tuomas just called Tarja and confirmed what I said."

His eyes cleared, "Whew, I was trying to figure out why you would.... Well, I can think of one recent reason...." He mumbled this last bit and I shifted uncomfortably as I remembered what I had told them. Tarja, damn.... I had royally screwed up this time.

"Christ, I'm married. I have a wonderful wife and twin sons. I have no reason to do something like that at all!" He smiled at me, nodding, and I knew that I had convinced him. He wandered back down the aisle and left me with the strangely silent Tuomas.

"Do you love her?" His voice was soft, uncertain.

"Every time that she would go through a breakup she came to me for comfort. Why, I don't know. I can't even count how many times I ended up in bed with her, letting her burn her anger and grief and God only knows what else in sex. Seeing those sides of a person can make you learn to love them."

"Wait," he turned toward me slowly. "You've slept with her? How did we miss that?"

I laughed, "You could just have been extremely drunk. I have no clue, it's not like we were quiet or anything. That woman has a set of lungs and she proves it in other places than the stage. We had to be really careful that I didn't leave any mark on her. It's a habit, you might say."

"What, love bites?" He looked amused.

I shook my head, "More like bite bites. Teeth marks are a bit noticeable and might break the skin. I told you I'm bloodthirsty." We laughed at the memory of when a fan accused me of being a bloodthirsty animal because of my stage act. The conversation degenerated into senseless teasing that lasted for the rest of the drive that day. 


End file.
